I toss and turn in the bed. I open my eyes and the clock says 3:40am. I have to get up at 5:40am. Only two hours left to get some more sleep. My husband is snoring — hard. I get up and walk down the hall to check on the kids. I glance at the front door to make sure it’s locked and I walk over to the stove to make sure it’s off for the fifth time. It’s hot in the house so I push the button to turn the temperature down on the thermostat. My stomach is churning. Maybe from the spicy chicken I ate yesterday. Maybe it’s gas or maybe I need to go worship the porcelain goddess. I quietly grab some tums still listening to everyone snore. Almost sounds like music. I want some of that good sleep but I’m nervous and worried. I hope I do a good job. I hope… I’m tired of feeling this way.
This describes me every morning on the day I substitute teach. My stomach churns just a few hours before it’s time for me to get up and get ready to go substitute teach. I don’t know why I experience all these emotions. Fear? I know everything will be okay and I’ll enjoy my day. If I have a bad day I don’t have to substitute for that class in the future. Simple. But my body never fails to give me a dramatic show of nervousness, stomach churning and the sweats.
I’ve only been a substitute for a few weeks, but this part of my journey is a big deal because I’m finally waking up to the messages. I’m often asked, “Are you a teacher?”, almost everywhere I go. Just realized this teaching thing has followed me longer than I thought. I’ve been asked if I’m a teacher at the grocery store, while working out at the gym and family members assume I teach already. Three of my neighbors are teachers and when I volunteer at my sons school one substitute asked me if I was a teacher. Students walk up to me and ask me permission to do activities at school and I tell them to go ask their teacher. Do I have teacher written on my forehead and across my heart? My mother always said you’d make a good teacher and my husband says I have the patience to teach. I’m trying to accept it. Recently, while chaperoning my daughters school field trip a parent who substitute teaches (a state certified teacher) told me some people have it (teaching skills) and some people don’t. She said, “You have it and won’t let kids run the classroom! You won’t believe some of the things I’ve seen other substitutes do and say. You’ll be fine!”
Ha ha ha ha! I just had an “aha” moment. I remember a scene from the movie “The Color Purple”( https://youtu.be/lD5uPZzBr5c) . There’s a church scene when the pastor can’t focus on preaching because the music from the nearby blues juke joint is too loud. A lady in the congregation suggests that the choir sings God’s trying to tell you something to block out the outside music. Pastor turns and tells the choir to sing, “Maybe God’s Trying to Tell You Something”, Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Well I hear ya now! Loud and clear!
Almost a year ago I wrote a story called, “Teach”. After reading the story my dear friend said,” You will question [teaching] for the rest of your life if you don’t try it. Your door will either open or close, and you will have your peace!” The door opened!
So far, I’ve been to four schools. Two high schools, a middle school and an elementary school and I like it. Each school has a different vibe. I get nervous, but something happens when I get out of my car and walk inside the school to sign in for the day. I don’t know what it is, but when I say, “Good morning!”, to the first person I see and smile, my nervousness falls away. Now it comes back in small spurts during my day, but it seems tamer than before I get to my substitute assignment.
During breakfast, last week another friend of mine summed up my experience when she said, “You are a teacher but you don’t believe you are!”
She’s right!
Copyright© 2017 by Allura Eshmun
Has there always been something you’ve wanted to do but, never did it? Have you ever had someone tell you, you’d be good at something but you didn’t believe them? Tell me about it in the comments section below.