We don’t talk to each other anymore. I mean really talk. Have we forgotten how to talk to and listen to each other? Are we scared of each other? Are we just reacting first instead of listening, understanding and processing first? Why are real and meaningful conversations rare? Maybe it is just the people I come in contact with? Am I disconnected and in the wrong spaces? What’s getting in the way of real talk? What’s getting in the way of moving conversations beyond small talk?
For me the best face to face talks and conversations are simple yet mean so much. Real talk, – like sitting on the porch with a glass of iced lemonade or tea with nothing to do but talk – is good conversation. Years ago, I was visiting my college friends Mom. As we pulled up to her house, my husband and I saw her sitting on the porch, just observing. She was glad to see us. We sat with her on the porch for an hour or so and just talked. It was nice and the moment felt so good. I walked away feeling energized, and relaxed. We didn’t talk about much, but what was important is that I got a chance to say how I was doing and what I was learning new. At the time I was a new Mom and wife. I remember her asking me questions and encouraging me and that was what I needed in the moment.
I spend a lot of time in public schools. Students want to talk, but are told not to in the classroom. Instead, they move aimlessly through the hallways, screaming or shouting for attention from other students before walking into a classroom. Once they enter class they are instructed to sit down, be quiet, and do assignments that are often un-interesting-non-creative-busy-work teachers are required to assign them to complete. When I ask them what they do for fun and what they want to do after high school I can’t stop them from talking all at once. It’s exciting to see their eyes dancing and smiles on their faces because someone asked them a question which meant they could talk.
Conversations are an opportunity to express ourselves. Conversations are about receiving knowledge. Conversations are moments to just talk through things we go through in life. It’s also a time to listen, be seen, heard and accepted for all that we are. Conversations I’ve been having lately are surface. Surface conversations are those conversations that feel routine, brief, unbalanced, lack feeling, rushed and filled with a tinge fear. You know how you can talk to someone and they are hearing you talk but it feels like they are not interested because they are not talking about themselves and are not actively listening. Or you are listening to someone and you can feel their fear, they are holding back and questioning/thinking what to say next because they don’t want to regret what they say. I can tell immediately when I come into contact with someone and they are scared to say how they really feel and they give an answer that doesn’t even match the energy they are putting out. I get it. We are afraid people will judge us about what we do, how we look or dress, the religious or political choices we make, how we raise our kids or mistakes we make or we just don’t trust because we’ve been burned for being honest. Often our jobs, personal schedules, kids schedules and demand to do things fast often get in the way of real conversations.
Yes, every conversation in life is not meant to be long, meaningful, understood or special but at least we can be more intentional, honest, compassionate and mindful when we are the listener or speaker.
Real conversations leave us inspired, encouraged and questioning life. Some conversations help us learn lessons and others challenge our belief systems. Conversations help us bond. Conversations can leave us upset too. Conversations help us remember we are human and not alone.
Copyright © 2024 by Allura Eshmun