You know I blamed and complained over the years. I’ve complained about her. Sometimes I was downright mad at her. It’s normal to feel that way about someone. Then I would ask the questions why won’t you do this and why won’t you do that. Egh!! During my teenage years I yearned for her to tell me. As I approached my 20’s I wanted her to just say what I wanted to hear. Into my 30’s she just watched and let me do me. Now I’m in my 40’s and now I think the light is beginning to get through to the cracks of my stubborn skull and back to my soul. It’s like the vail of fog has lifted and I am now able to see clearly her brilliance.
Again, I’ve always felt that I needed for her to just tell me.
Maybe she did and I didn’t hear. I wanted her to say what I wanted to hear but maybe I didn’t listen. Then when she was watching and letting me do me I failed to watch her and accept that she could only do her. All these years I’ve been that child having a tantrum because I was mad about what I WANTED but she gave me what I NEEDED. She didn’t have to speak the words because she lived it and I saw her be it. She is just being who she is meant to be. Do you feel that? I do. Tears of joy and acceptance come to my eyes because, that my dear friend is powerful. When you don’t need words and you are what those words represent. How many people do you know lead by example?
The compassion, the caring, the giving, the praying, trying to hold everything together with all her love and holding on to herself last. I remember being a little girl and up way past my bedtime and passing by my parents’ bedroom and seeing her on her knees praying before she got into bed. I used to watch her cut up her fruit and wrap it up in tin foil so she could eat it as breakfast on the way to work. I remember going to the homes of her friends to drop off goodies for their kids during the holidays. She was a nurse at the hospital and at home. Nursing us all back to health when we needed it. People would come to our home just to say Hi but they were really coming for healing. Amen. Folk and family came with issues and left refreshed, laughing and glad they came. She would pick up anybody who needed a car ride going her way. Did you catch it? She was lifting us up to be our best as she was on her way. She’s not a fancy woman but she fancied over how my brother and I looked when we went to school and if we were crossing our t’s and dotting our i ‘s on our writing homework. When Daddy had to be at the fancy work dinners, she stood within her flawlessness, by his side.
It’s amazing how everything unfolds with time. It reminds me of the song that James Ingram sings called Everything Must Change. The lyric say that everything must change. Nothing stays the same. Everything must change. No one stays the same. The young become the old and mysteries do unfold cause that’s the way of time. Nothing and no one goes unchanged.
When you see a persons’ truth it hits your heart but love cushions the blow. The feeling is awesome. I am grateful for Momma! I’m blessed because most folk can’t say what I’m saying. I hope our children are watching. I hope I am leading okay. I learned from the best. Today I still learn from the best.
Thank you, Momma. I love you!
©2015 Allura Eshmun