It’s a moment.
A moment, when the dust settles, and all that’s left is the truth.
It’s a moment of clarity.
Every week, while driving to class, I intentionally pray for positive guidance. I mean, I pray hard, to keep my mouth shut, to stay in my life lane, and to be positive around my classmates. When I arrive I’m excited about learning, but I really don’t want to be there, and I even predict what will and what won’t happen during class. Through the years I’ve noticed that some students take the class because it’s cool, others because of doctor recommendations. Some students don’t understand what the hell they are doing, while others float around watching others because they think there is a certain way to be. It’s obvious that the group of students is dominated by men who are learning compassion, but choose to express themselves via their ego. A few new female students attend, but some seem confused about what they are doing, and unsure about liking the class or not.
For years I’ve looked forward to attending class every week. Going to class was my fun non stressful thing to do for me — away from everything else in my life. I should be enjoying the journey of taking the class, especially if I’m paying money for it. Right? I’ve been complaining after each class for a long time and now I realize getting to the goals I’ve set for this class has not been fun. I’m just going through the motions to get to some temporary point/goal. Why?
Like most people I set goals. Setting goals is a good thing because goals give us hope, a plan, purpose and direction. I have lists of my long-term, short-term and daily goals, but life is not about only achieving goals. It’s about the journey we take to reach our goals. The journey part we should enjoy and have fun living.
Why do we force ourselves to do things we stop enjoying? Do we tell ourselves it’s the right thing to do and it’ll magically get better, or is it a façade we feel we must keep up? Is it because we are afraid of being ourselves? Is it because of what we fear other people will say? Is it because we are afraid of where change will lead us? Is it because we simply fear change? Is it because humanity finds comfort in routines and habits? Is it because we’d rather sleep walk through life and not deal with how we feel? Is it because we’re afraid to admit that what made us happy before does not make us happy anymore? I’m guilty of all the above!
I made the decision not to return to class. It seems so small but making the decision not to continue made me feel free, excited and ready for something new. I know a few classmates will say you were so close to your goal and you are crazy for stopping and giving up but, I’ve already attained my goal. I got what I needed a long time ago.
My class instructor told me a valuable story. He said there are two types of people. The procrastinator and the complainer. If they were both tasked to move a tall pile of dirt from one side of a building to the other side of the same building the procrastinator will wait until the last-minute, but will get all the dirt moved. The complainer will allow themselves plenty of time to get the job done and will do a great job, but complain the entire time they are moving the dirt from one side of the building to the other. I’ve been the complainer and I’m not having fun anymore. I cannot change my environment so it’s time for me to be the change so I can enjoy the journey.
Copyright ©2018 by Allura Eshmun